True religion is a life that expresses its accountability to God. Though Jim Fife calls himself a Christian, he’s had no accountability for any of the verbal and physical abuses I and my mother have had to endure from him. Can a person be truly religious and still indulge in abusive behaviors on a regular basis? I don’t think so.
May 3, 2011 – The farm was home to all three of us. Our mother’s home was based on an ‘open house’ policy for all; whether that be immediate family members, extended family, friends, etc. But far to common Jim’s issues of control and unreasonable demands were changing the atmosphere of mom’s home from an atmosphere of ‘WELCOME,’ to an atmosphere of a ‘prison’. A prison that was more often on lockdown; nobody could enter. Of course, that would only pertain to me and my children.
In an email dated May 3, 2011, entitled ‘Open invitation to visit Mitsa’, Deanne and myself would receive the following from Jim. It read;
Encourage visits with Mitsa as often as possible due to her failing health–please call so we can tell you if she is having a bad day when another time would be better for a visit. Please come to the farm and stay as long as her stamina will last.
Immediate family doesn’t call, we ‘drop in’ – any day and at any hour. It was mom’s home, and Jim lived with mom, not the other way around. Cloaking the statement ‘open invitation to visit’ with ‘please call so we can tell you if. . .another time would be better,’ stemmed from Jim’s need for Power Over. It’s manipulative, and his way to control our visits. This seemingly sincere request was merely a rouse, it would undermine the very essence of who my mom was. As long as she was alive her home was our home. It was home to all of us, all immediate family members, without exception. It was not for mom’s sake that Jim made this request, but for his own. I have a hard time believing that when Jim’s son came to visit that Jim would send Peter away if when he arrived his grandmother wasn’t feeling well.
By this time Jim had managed to destroy whatever there was of our family, now he was putting more restraints that would open more opportunity for him to manipulate, undermine and sabotage even our visits to my mother. Deanne would respond;
Jim, I don’t need you standing over me when I visit my grandmother. . .My grandmother specifically requested for me to be her primary health care agent which you have ignored. The doctor specifically said that in order to keep Mitsa young and her mind from going she would need to be with her grandkids. You single handedly took that away from her. . .
Unaware of Jim’s and Deanne’s communications the night before, I had no idea what was awaiting me when I arrived to the farm the following morning.
May 4, 2011 – I had just arrived and was sitting with mom on the couch. Jim and his wife Susan occupied the back section of mom’s home. I could hear Jim talking with his wife. He sounded irritated, so, I went to the kitchen and quietly closed the kitchen door so that my visit would not be disrupted by the sound of Jim’s voice. As I returned and sat by my mom’s side, Jim would come busting through the kitchen into the living room. He looked and sounded totally out of control yelling, “If you’re looking for trouble, YOU CAN LEAVE!!!”
Unpredictability is one of the most significant characteristics of verbal abuse. It is also a sign of a personality disorder called Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD). Cluster B personality disorders are characterized by dramatic, overly emotional, and unpredictable thinking or behavior. It is a type of mental disorder in which you have a rigid and unhealthy pattern of thinking, functioning and behaving. A person with a personality disorder has trouble perceiving and relating to situations and to people.
Untreated, personality disorders can cause significant problems that may get worse without treatment. I would encounter this behavior on the day of my visit.
Verbal abuse expresses double messages. There is an incongruence between the way the abuser speaks and his real feelings. Though Jim may sound sincere about his ‘open invitation to visit’, his actions contradict his words.
What was Jim so angry about? He and Susan were expecting me, they knew I was coming for a visit. I had only seen my mom a few times in the past two years due to the repeated disruptions stemming from Jim’s anger issues. Desperate to see my mom, I managed to muscle up enough courage to stand firm in my rights to be treated with respect, despite the danger. Rising from my mom’s side putting myself between mom and Jim in order to shield her, I would take a few steps in Jim’s direction. Jim would then step into me, getting right up into my face, pressing his body up against mine. He was irrational. He looked and sounded out of control.
This isn’t a good environment for our mother to be in, but it was obvious that Jim didn’t even care about that. I tried to assure Jim of my intentions; gently speaking I said, “Jim, I’m just here for a few minutes, just go in the other room.” I gestured with my left arm out stretched to my side, my hand waving him on to go into the other room. (Later, Jim would twist that gesture into claiming I attempted to hit him. That wasn’t the case, and he knew that.) I made one more attempt to reassure him, but he continued shouting. I heard his wife Susan call out from the back of the house, “What’s going on out there?”
Still pressed up against my body Jim would place both his hands on my chest and shoved me with tremendous force. I went flying into the chair behind me. My lower back slammed hard into the arm of the chair. The force of the impact was so great it caused my body to tort backward over the arm.
There was immediate pain and a burning sensation. When Sue got to the doorway of the living room she saw me on the floor. Jim signed with an outstretched arm and his finger pointing for Sue to leave and she did.
I sustained a deep-tissue muscle injury that day, and would suffer with throbbing pain for twelve long months. I would serve Jim with a restraining order only to show up in court and find he had filed one against me.
This was the first time I was hearing about a restraining order on me. As if being in a court room without an attorney to represent me wasn’t intimidating enough, now I’m to understand that he filed a restraining order on his victim! Without any representation, I became confused and terrified. The judge asked Jim’s attorney for his serving papers on me. He went through his file of papers and couldn’t find it. He couldn’t find it, because I had never been served.
After the initial hearing, I went and got a copy of Jim’s order against me. My brother Dennis and one of our cousins testified on Jim’s behalf. My spirit was crushed by Dennis slander of me and his false accusations. I was devastated by his betrayal as he covered for Jim even though he himself wasn’t present during the incident. To think that only a few years earlier Dennis was venting to me his loathing of Jim. His exact words were, and I quote, “I hate him!” “I wish he were dead! DEAD!” “I WISH HE WERE DEAD!”
I knew Dennis to be an unscrupulous individual, and now this. The Bible says, a false witness pours out lies, and those who take the liberty to tell lies take pleasure in hearing them told; for a liar gives heed to a malicious backbiting tongue, that he may have something to graft his lies upon, and with which to give them some color of truth and so to support them. Thus, sinners will strengthen one another’s hands; and those show that they are bad themselves who court the acquaintance and need the assistance of those that are bad. Proverbs 17:4. This truth about my brothers would be the destruction of my family, and the grief of it would be more then I could bare for years to come.
I had no financial means to hire an attorney to represent me, I was barely getting by on my Social Security. Feeling overwhelmed, I would simply back off. I was not aware of the next court date and thought one order would cancel out the other. I also had an appointment in San Francisco with my oncologist on that same day. I was devastated when some days later I was served with a court ordered restraint against me. How could this be happening?
In his statement to the courts, Jim would falsely accuse me of yelling, and attempting to hit him. I did neither. Like all the other times, I had come peacefully that day, stayed calm and in control the entire time while Jim, out of control, physically assaults me, and I get slapped with a restraining order?! I have often wondered if Sue left Jim because of what he did that day; lying to everyone about what really happened, including to the Sheriffs, then, bearing false testimony in court. This was the second time that Jim escaped responsibility for physically abusing me and causing me bodily injury.
Whoever oppresses the poor shows contempt for their Maker. Sabotaging is a way of undermining and is a category of Verbal Abuse. A form of sabotage is disruption and interruption. Throughout Proverbs it says, the Lord hates a false witness who pours out lies, and emphasizes the damage done by the false witness in verses 15:4b and 22:22; a deceitful tongue crushes the spirit, especially false testimony in court. In mom’s final 3 years, Jim sabotaged ALL visits, and had me arrested twice for trespassing, despite the fact that I caused no trouble and have two eye witnesses and their statements to that fact. Every time I was made to leave the farm without seeing her was unbearable.
Anger Addiction and OCPD- There is no real way to have a productive argument with an Anger Addict like my brother Jim, because one is not really arguing with the person, you’re arguing with his addiction, his need for Power Over. Both Anger Addicts and those with OCPD exhibit signs of aggression, often violent behavior.
Part of dealing effectively with an Anger Addict is in recognizing when they are serious about wanting to change, and when they are still stuck in denial. The Anger Addict who has truly surrendered is likely to have his head hanging down low and will be willing to do what you tell him to do. So if you tell him “I called a local treatment center and set you up for admission there and we are going in tomorrow” they would simply say, “Fine, I’ll go.”
Now if the Anger Addict immediately raises his eyebrow and gets all bent out of shape and says “What treatment center? Which one are you talking about? I’m not just going to go anywhere!” and so on, then that is a major red flag right there. They are not ready to get the proper help needed.
Jim claimed that he was getting counseling, yet, there was no change in his behavior. They have a saying in recovery: “You have to change people, places, and things.” You cannot keep going to counselors and people that allow you to continue in a destructive behavior without any accountability. It just doesn’t work. One of these places like this for Jim was Bible Study Fellowship. I call it a place where predators like my brother can hang out, passing as Christians, but are really wolves in sheep clothing. That is the problem with BSF, there is no accountability. When someone is working through their issues it would be evident with confession and repentance. There would also be evidence of fruit producing attributes of character. Scripture is clear, “you will know them by their fruits.” They would be bearing such fruit as, the spirit of gentleness, goodness, and of self-control.
Persistent lying, conning others, and a lack of remorse are all symptoms of OCPD. After three years of not seeing my mom, Jim would allow me to see her on her death bed. Meant for my hearing, Jim’s words would carry from the kitchen to the living room. He would instruct the caregivers and our cousin Bill that I was not to be left alone with my mother because I would abuse her. I’ve never raised a hand to my mother in my 62 years, not once, not ever. It is not part of my compliant nature. Even on my mom’s death bed I could not escape Jim’s evil, wicked cruelty; he actually gets pleasure in causing pain to others. Persistent lying, conning others, and a lack of remorse is all a part of OCPD behavior.
Separation and Restoration – Jim considers himself a Christian, but a believer should never condone or attempt to excuse sin. There are only two things that should be done about sin: confess it and forsake it. The Old Testament and New Testament are agreed on this. David confessed his sin and experienced the Lord’s forgiveness. John agrees as he points out: “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1John 1:9). To “confess” means “to acknowledge” or “to say the same thing as.” Believers are instructed to say the same thing God says about sin, “It is sin.”
When believers confess their sin, they have the assurance that God is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. He can be counted upon to keep His word, and He is just in dealing with our sins because He paid the price for them. God is able to cleanse us completely from anything that is inconsistent with His own moral character.
Secondly, having received forgiveness and cleansing, believers are to ‘forsake’ their sin and ‘yield’ themselves completely to God. In doing this believers are restored to full fellowship with God. If there is no confession, there can be no forgiveness and cleansing. If there is no forsaking sin and yielding to God there is no restoration with God. Sin, regardless to it’s degree always has an effect–- separation. These same principles of separation and restoration applies to all relationships; whether that be husband and wife, father/daughter, brother and sister.
Jim has separation from all three of these dual relationships, but there is hope for the repentant sinner. It is 2015, four years since the assault, and time is of the essence. To my brothers Dennis and James, reconcile and settle accounts before it is too late, before the judgment comes.
Summary – Breaking covenant speaks of the crime of a friend turned enemy. Breaking covenant is a serious matter and characterizes human sin against God. A friend turned enemy is devastating. Psalm 55 speaks of a betrayer who is identified as a man my equal, my companion and my acquaintance. One with whom we visited the house of God in public worship together. The treachery of the betrayer is vividly portrayed by the psalmist in verse 21; The words of his mouth were smoother than butter (open invitation to visit any time…), but war was in his heart (hatred expressed in dark, ugly feelings of bitterness, contempt, and loathing of another person, such as, what I encountered repeatedly from my brothers, including, the incident that occurred on May 4th and my visit to my mothers death bed.
True religion is a life that expresses its accountability to God. This awareness of accountability is seen as the foundation of wisdom, and is the proper fear of God. It is living as accountable to an all-knowing, all-powerful, all-righteous Creator. Contrary, are the wicked who have no fear of God. Failure to acknowledge God’s holy lordship leaves the apparent attractions of evil without check.
Because they do not change, therefore, they do not fear God.
Psalm 55:19
