It is not good to show partiality to the wicked, 

or to overthrow the righteous in judgment.

– Proverbs 18:5 –   

Several years ago a former president of the American Psychological Association estimated that even today, three out of four counselors are ineffective.  Some evidence suggests that a majority of counselors are even harmful.

Patricia Evans, speaker, consultant, founder of the Evans Interpersonal Communications Institute, and author of ‘The Verbally Abusive Relationship’ says, ‘there is a danger when a therapist is invested in privileging their “expert” knowledge over valuing a persons experience of verbal and physical abuse.  It was to my detriment, and of great personal loss to me, my children and my mom that we would have the misfortune of having such a counselor in my extended family.

Maryanne Tabor, Psy.D prides herself on being ‘trained in observing,’ but is uneducated in the training of Verbal Abuse.  She does not see that verbal abuse is an act of violence just as physical abuse is.  There are 15 characteristics of Verbal Abuse, all are extremely destructive, says Evans, and ‘discounting’ is the most insidious form of verbal abuse because it denies the reality and experience of the one being abused. 

One of the primary reason my brother got away with his physical attack on me (causing this injury to my lower back) was due to a statement Maryanne wrote that was submitted in a court of law.   In her statement she describes Jim as a nice guy, while discounting the reality of the abuse I incurred from him by stating, “I do not believe nor support any part of Virginia Fife’s letter regarding Jim Fife.”  By denying my experience of the abuse, Maryanne was shutting her ear to my cry.  She refused to believe me when I gave her a detailed description of his physical abuse on me and on our elderly mother.

To make matters worse, my brother Dennis would cue off Maryanne’s letter and write his own slanderous statements, falsely accusing me of being a ‘trouble maker’ all of my life.  I was anything but that, as you’ll see below and in the following chapters.

The Strong-willed Child -vs- the Compliant Child

Licensed psychologist Dr. James Dobson has served on advisory committees to the president and the attorney general, founder and president of “Focus on the Family,” a nationally syndicated radio program, and is the author of many best-selling books.  Dobson, along with many other famous Christian authors, such as, Dr. Tim LaHaye, Dr. Paul Meier, Dr. Frank Minirth, were a wealth of information for me on human behavior.   Each holding titles of, M.D. and/or Ph.D’s, their expert knowledge and wisdom would bring the much needed understanding of myself, and of the family dynamics that I grew up in.

Dobson is convinced that at the moment of birth there exists in children an inborn temperament which will play a role throughout life.  In his book, The Strong-willed Child, he explains that while compliant children grow up to be compliant adults, contrary, strong-willed children, like my brother Jim, will grow up to be strong-willed adults if his strong-will is not dealt with properly by the parents.

Dobson describes it best when he states that often parents will make the mistake of not handling correctly the strong-willed child, and will tend to neglect the compliant one.  Dobson goes on to say how hurtful and injurious this is to the compliant child.  Such was the case during my childhood years growing up.  As the compliant child in the family, it was not my temperament to be a troublemaker.   Compliant children are characterized as easy-going with the desire to please; that’s me in a nutshell.  Dobson claims that compliant children may live out a short season of rebellion in their late teens, which I did, but they will return to that inborn temperament of being compliant as an adult.  Needless to say, I felt betrayed when Dennis used the term ‘trouble maker’ to describe me.

Willful defiance, as the name implies, is a deliberate act of disobedience.  It occurs only when the child knows what his parents expect and then chooses to do the opposite in a haughty manner.   In short, it is a refusal to accept parental leadership, such as running away when called, screaming insults, acts of outright disobedience, etc.  These strong-willed children are described as troublemakers in the family, and Dobson believes that a defiant youngster is in a high risk category for ‘antisocial behavior’ later in life.  Such is the case regarding my brother Jim.  He would push the boundary lines throughout his childhood, and in his later years would forcefully take control of the family steering mechanism ruling over our family farm like that of a dictator.

In Proverbs 6:12-15, a troublemaker is described as a worthless person.  It is an individual who uses all kinds of subtle, deceitful methods to sow discord;  A lying tongue, oppressing the poor, and bearing false witness are among three of seven traits the Lord hates.  It is these methods that both my brothers would use during the final six years of my mothers life and following her death. Their continual malicious actions were painfully oppressive, and would break the spirit of both myself and our mother.  The situation is best described by one of many of the Psalms of David.  This one comes from chapter 69:20,

Reproach has broken our hearts, and we are full of heaviness;

We looked for someone to take pity, but there was none;

And for comforters, but we found none.

We are created for relationships.  When that need for relationship is neglected, one looks for ways to fill that need.  Needless to say, I would spend my entire childhood trying to measure up to my mom’s expectations, trying to please her– believing that if I did what pleased her she would spend time with me.  

At the age of thirty-six the issue concerning ‘why my mother never spent any time with me’ would be revealed.  While packing to leave for full time ministry with Youth with a Mission, my mom came into my bedroom and asked what I remember about my dad’s anger.  The following exchange though revealing would confound me.

“No mom, I don’t remember dad that way,” I said.  “What I remember as a child was growing up in this very room– sitting on this very floor– wondering why you never spent any time with me.”

“Ginger,” she replied, “you were so good I could leave you to yourself, and your brother Jim I couldn’t leave out of my site.”

Shocked and unable to react as I realized for the first time that my brothers life long defiant behavior was responsible for causing other members of the family so much pain and loneliness.

Maryanne claims to ‘know’ Jim because of their childhood years, but she lacks discernment.  Discernment can only be obtained through an intimate relationship with God.  It is a gift from God to those who truly fear Him and seek Him diligently.  The following is an example of the wisdom and understanding that can only come from the Lord;

Art and Nancy Whiting with their four children rented my mother’s rental house next door.  They lived there for three years.  Nancy, a righteous and God fearing woman would share three specific problems they experienced with Jim, and why they found it necessary to leave the farm.

On the eve of their moving, Nancy would share for the first time with me her insights concerning my brother.  She states;

Jim is everyone’s friend.  He would be the guy in High School who wants to be everybody’s friend.  The most popular guy in school.  He’s everyone’s friend in church.  He’s like a politician, he looks good when you see him, but once you live with him, once you know him at a deeper level beyond friendship, in business or at a financial level, you get a different perspective.  He says things in such a way that he sounds believable.

Art Whiting would then compose a letter stating their reasons for leaving.  It reads;

My family and I moved to 2797 Alton Lane in August of 2003 in an agreement with Mary Fife.  Mary has been a loving and fair landlord.

Jim Fife has moved in and taken control of the rental home in which we live.  My family and I have experienced Jim Fife to be an unreasonable man.  He has been untruthful, manipulative, and intrusive.  To be unlawful to me and to community.

In order for me to be responsible to protect and provide a good, safe home for my family it is necessary that my family and I move to a different location and home.

Signed Arthur and/or Nancy Whiting,  April 14, 2006

Nancy would express her fear of Jim’s retaliation and would ask that I should say nothing about ‘why’ they were leaving the farm until they were far enough away and safe.

Psychology

Gary Collins, Ph.D., author of over 16 books dealing with psychology tells us to accept the fact that psychology can be of great help to the Christian counselor.  How, then, does one wade through the quagmire of techniques, theories, and technical terms to find the insights that truly are helpful?

The answer involves our finding a guide–some person or persons who are committed followers of Jesus Christ, familiar with the psychological and counseling literature, trained in counseling and in research methods (so the scientific accuracy of psychologist’ conclusions can be evaluated), and effective as counselors.   It is of crucial importance, says Dr. Collins, that the guides be committed to the inspiration and authority of the Bible, both as the standard against which all psychology must be tested and as the written Word of God with which all valid counseling must agree.

Maryanne’s inability to discern the character and nature of an individual like my brother, whose need to dominate and have Power Over, would cause the situation to become more dangerous and a source of oppression for me, my mom, and my daughter for years to come.  Maryanne in essence, and Dennis also, would be excusing Jim from any and all responsibility for his outbursts of rage and physical abuses on ALL the women in the Fife family, allowing Jim to continue in his destructive behavior that would destroy the Fife family as we knew it.

Jim feels no guilt about any of the emotional hurt he’s caused.  He’s taken no responsibility for physically injuring me, or our mother, nor does he have any remorse or shame when he would lie repeatedly to the Sheriff’s about what really went on when I would visit mom.  He would spin such lies in order to have me arrested.  His intent was to intimidate me.  The truth is I hadn’t caused any trouble whenever I came to visit my mom.  In fact, each time I was sitting with my mom in her living room Jim would come into the room hostile and yelling.  

Dr. Paul Meir, author of over 30 books, gives advice for dealing with difficult people.   He describes the real sickos of society as Nth-Degree Jerks; they are those who truly enjoy controlling, abusing, and dominating their fellowman without feeling any guilt about the pain and suffering they cause.  The clinical name for an Nth-Degree Jerk is someone with a sociopathic personality disorder.  Sociopaths have no conscience.

Jesus said, to him who much is given, much is required.  No matter what title you have been given, OR taken for yourself, whether it be a title of counselor, or Trustee, etc., much will be required of you when you stand before God on Judgment Day.  You will be made to give an account as to what judgments you rendered between right and wrong.  In judging cases brought before him, a king functioned as God’s representative.  As God’s representative ones mouth should not betray justice, therefore, one needs the divine gift of wisdom to discern between right and wrong in order to render God’s judgment between right and wrong.

Acquitting the guilty and condemning the innocent–

the Lord detests them both.

Psalm17:15

Go to:  James Fife, OCPD:  http://www.signsofverbalabuse.com/james-k-fife-ocpd-is-a-type-of-mental-disorder-characterized-by-dramatic-overly-emotional-unpredictable-thinking-and-behavior/

Pride Invites Destruction:  http://www.signsofverbalabuse.com/pride-invites-de…ction-2-jim-fife/