Verbal abuse constitutes psychological violence. . .

Patricia Evans, author of the Verbally Abusive Relationship says;

Verbal abuse is a kind of battering which doesn’t leave evidence comparable to the bruises of physical battering.  It can be just as painful and recovery can take much longer.  The victims of abuse live in a gradually more confusing realm.  Subtle diminishing or angry outbursts, cool indifference or one-upmanship, witty sarcasm or silent withholding, manipulative coercion or unreasonable demands are common occurrences.  They are however, cloaked in a “what’s wrong with you, making a big thing out of nothing” attitude, and many, many other forms of denial.    Verbal abuse constitutes psychological violence, which often, for the verbally abused woman there is not another witness to her reality, and no one who can understand her experience.  Friends and family may see the abuser as a really nice guy, and certainly, he sees himself as one.

Verbal abuse is a violation, not a conflict, says Evans.  There is a definite difference between conflict and abuse.  In a conflict each participant wants something different.  In order to resolve the conflict, the two people in the relationship discuss their wants, needs, and reasons while mutually seeking a creative solution.  There may or may not be a solution, but no one forces, dominates, or controls the other.

Verbal abuse, on the other hand, is very different from a conflict.  Abuse is any behavior where one human being deliberately inflicts physical and emotional pain in an effort to harm a helpless and unwilling victim.  If we describe verbal abuse from the standpoint of boundary violation, we would describe it as an intrusion upon, or a disregard of one’s self by a person who disregards boundaries in a sometimes relentless pursuit of Power Over, superiority, and dominance by covert or overt means.

Verbal Abusers wage war with their words.  The psalmist says of his enemies that their “tongues are sharp swords.”  Their words are their weapons, says Evans, and these weapons are grouped into 15 categories of verbal abuse, they are; withholding, countering, discounting, Verbal Abuse disguised as jokes, blocking and diverting, accusing and blaming, judging and criticizing, trivializing, undermining, threatening, name calling, forgetting, ordering, denial, and abusive anger.   Scripture says, he who loves a quarrel loves sin.  Out of pride he invites destruction.  He plots evil with deceit in his heart–creating distrust that culminates in alienation and conflict.

In Scripture, the sword acquires a set of figurative meanings.  Because of the sword’s capacity to inflict wounds, it is used much in the book of Proverbs to symbolize anything that causes harm and injury to people psychologically.  Describing battle, the sword became a symbol for warfare.  Beyond the context of warfare, the sword represents bloodshed and strife.  Nathan’s prophetic announcement to David that “the sword shall never depart from your house” indicated that there would be discord and violence among family members in succeeding generations.  

Judgmental Criticizing 

Verbal abusers will judge a person and then express his judgment in a critical way.  This is called judgmental criticizing.  When I object to my brothers criticism they will imply that they are just pointing something out to be helpful, but in reality they are expressing their lack of acceptance of me.

Most verbal abuse carries a judgmental tone.  For example, comments which negate the persons feelings, such as “You’re never satisfied.”  “You’re stupid.”  “You’re crazy.”   One example of this is when my brothers would accuse me of not letting my mother access to her roof through the upstairs apartment to check out a leak.  Dennis would state in a letter;

You’re crazy.  How stupid are you?  How dumb are you?  You wouldn’t even let our own mother in to fix the leaky roof!

In a relationship, there must be more than the exchange of information.  A relationship requires intimacy.  Intimacy requires empathy.  To hear and understand another’s feelings and experience is empathetic comprehension.  Dennis didn’t care about what had really transpired in regards to the ‘leaky roof’ incident.  I never refused anyone access to the roof, let alone my mom.  Minutes before leaving for work one day,  Jim calls demanding I leave my house key with him so that he can check out the roof.  I replied, “You can come up ANY time when I’m home or when someone I trust is present.”  Jim retorted blasting,  “If you don’t leave the key then I’ll just break in!”

Jim’s anger was irrational and frightened me.  I felt threatened which brought up my greatest fears; the threat of loss and pain.  The psalmist says, an unmastered temper is a source of unending grief (Proverbs 14:17).   Jim has always been quick to anger, and because of this I am afraid to confront him face-to-face, so, I would post the following on my front door, reiterating what I had already said to him over the phone,

“Please, DO NOT come into my home without me or someone I trust is present.”

I would return from work and much to my dismay, I would find that my place had been broken into.  My belongings that were stored in the attic were now all piled in the center of my living room.  I felt violated.   There was a note written from Sue, Jim’s wife,

“Sorry, we didn’t see the note on the door until we were leaving.”

Blocking and Diverting

It turns out that Jim and Sue entered up through the crawl space from mom’s dining room into the attic, leaving by the front door.  From what I gathered from Sue’s note, Jim had ‘withheld information’ from her about the fact that he had already been told verbally by me ‘not’ to come into my home without myself present.  ‘Withholding information’ is a form of Verbal Abuse called ‘blocking.’  It speaks to the deviousness of one’s character.

I would go down stairs to inform Sue that there was no need for Jim to have broken in.  He was told to come any time as long as I was home.  But before I could even begin telling her, Jim bolted from his chair and got into my face and was yelling.  He looked and sounded out of control.

Jim’s boundary violation by his forceful entry into my home ultimately ended with him causing a serious physical injury to me.  This would be the first of three injuries I would receive from Jim during his outbursts of rage.  Upon getting in my face, his body butted up against mine, he would deliberately walk forward forcing me to walk backwards causing me to fall.  I remember thinking how this seemed very much like a maneuver Marines learn when in hand to hand combat.  By placing your body up against someone while pushing forward causing your enemy to lose his footing allows one to get the advantage over his opponent.  This would be the first of two incidents that Jim would butt himself up against me.  After the second time, I would make sure he wasn’t able to get that close to me.  I’ve had to run from him many times when he tried to get that close.

I naturally lost my footing and fell hard on my right side.  My thigh and arm on that side would be sore for a week.  My head would hit hard on a three inch piece of wood stripping that ran lengthwise along the skirt of the sofa.  The severe jerk to the head would cause permanent damage to my neck to which I suffer daily neck pain to this day, along with suffering pain to my hip.  I would crawl to the table near by and reached up to grab the phone in order to call 911.  Jim would yank the phone out of my hand and pushed me down on the sofa.  He then sat on me so that I could not move.

Once he got off of me I went upstairs to my apartment.  My body would shake all night uncontrollably until the next morning around 6 a.m.  I never got any sleep that night and had to go to work that way.  A friend later would tell me that my body went into shock from the trauma caused by the abuse, and that is why my body shook like that.  Jim has never taken responsibility for any of his crazed fury displayed that day.

An ‘Anger Addict’ will reconstruct whatever he hears in such a way that it becomes for him the ‘reason’ for venting his anger.  Jim would reconstruct the events that led to his forceful break in.  He would accuse me of not letting our mother in to check her leaky roof.  That, of course, wasn’t true, mom had been up once already.  By controlling communications in this way Jim established what can be discussed.  This category of Verbal Abuse called ‘Blocking’ and ‘Diverting’ specifically controls interpersonal communications.  It prevents all possibility of resolving the conflict.  Its primary purpose is to prevent discussion and end communications.

Evans says that none of the abuser’s diversions responds to the other person (me) in a thoughtful and considerate way.  All day long they twist my words, says the psalmist.  When I filed for a restraining order on Jim, his need for Power Over would drive him to use my personal problems with my mom in order to evict me from the family farm.  I had been dealing with a health issue that past year and losing time from work because of it.  With no money to get a place he was actually throwing me out into the street.  Strangers would take me in.  Two weeks later I was diagnosed with cancer which had been misdiagnosed for two years.  Alone and abandoned by family I would battle cancer for the next five years without any support from my family.  Not only did I not have the support I needed from them, I would have to endure both physical and verbal abuse from both my brothers during a very terrifying and difficult time for me.  The worst was when they would deny me and my mother any contact in the final three years of her life.  

Restoring Fellowship

Individuals have a responsibility to control personal behavior.  We have a moral obligation to behave correctly toward others and in respect of them.  When we don’t the bible calls this sin.  Sin must be confessed in order to restore fellowship.  Confession means that we agree with God about our sin.  This involves much more than simply acknowledging the sin.

Confession requires an attitude of sorrow for the wrong doing and a willingness to turn from it. 

As long as Jim can deny his responsibility for his anger and accuse me for causing it, he could continue to maintain his equilibrium and get a high at my expense.  Sins between individuals needs to be confessed between those involved (Matthew 5:22, 24).

Jim would say he was getting counseling, but a counselor said to me once, “just because Jim may sit in a counseling session doesn’t mean he’s working through his issues.”  My brother doesn’t have the right mindset that is needed; he lacks humility.  For a Verbal Abuser to succeed in early recovery, they would have to become open to learning a new way to live.  If the Anger Addict has not hit bottom yet, he will not be able to relinquish his need for control, he will not be able to show good-will to those who are most deserving of it.  The psalmist in Proverbs 14:9 describes it like this; 

Fools mock at making amends for sin, 

but goodwill is found among the upright. (NIV)  

Even today on my meager Social Security I struggle every month to get by while Jim withholds a large percentage of mine and my children’s inheritance; from bonds, to insurance policies, etc.  He would collect the rent money from my home for one full year after our mothers death while not one cent was put toward the extensive repairs for damages on the house.  Understanding, that if my home had been turned over to me after Dennis moved out of it, my home would not be in the condition it was in, meaning; that Jim, not wanting me to have anything, with malicious intent, withheld my home from me, then turned around and rented it out to a single mom whom he knew did not have good references to which the home would be destroyed.   It would take three years after my mother’s passing, before I was able to live in it.

When there is goodwill in a relationship, there is a reaching out; a conscious concern for the other’s well-being.  It’s 2017, nine years since that day Jim broke into my apartment and caused serious physical injury to me.  I have yet to see any concern from either of my brothers for my well-being.